Ponder: Positive

My test results came back positive. Bummer.

The results came six days after the onset of symptoms. By then I had chest pain, fever, body ache, and what seems like a head cold.

The positive test added anxiety to my symptoms. It also meant spending a half-day being interviewed by the health department and calling my contacts. Our family had been gathering in a bubble—so when my husband, daughter-in-law, infant grandson, and I all tested positive within a week, it burst our bubble in a bad way.

We’re all worried about those of us who tested positive because everyone in our family hasn’t survived. We have already lost three family members to Covid-19, along with five others who have died this year for reasons unrelated to the pandemic. Many of our family members and friends have managed to beat the virus, but they continue to suffer lingering health problems and financial hardship caused by their illness.

With four of us Covid-positive at the same time, we’ve seen how differently this virus affects different people. We’ve each had different symptoms, and we’ve each responded to our symptoms differently. This has added up to a lot of family angst! We are nearing the end of our two-week quarantine, but none of us, besides the baby, feels as if the virus is gone. Many of our initial symptoms are still present, and new ones seem to be showing up. For me, it’s depression.

I have been remembering other positive test results that brought our family profound sadness. My husband and sister tested positive for cancer. I am happy to say that both of them survived. Another family member tested positive for HIV and is living with that diagnosis. And now four of us tested positive for Covid-19.

Right now, I just want to go on a long walk. Breathe in the cool winter air. I want to look at the trees and houses decorated for Christmas and see healthy children playing in the yard. I want to hold my grandson. I want to comb my granddaughter’s hair.

I want my life back, but I am not sure that I can walk to the end of my yard and make it back without searching for air.

I keep thinking about what our world will look like a decade or so from now. How will the virus change us? Our nation has always been known for its individualism, but my hope—and thank God I still have hope—is that this experience will help us to prioritize being with one another. That we will no longer wait until holidays and funerals to gather with extended family. That we will get back to weekly meals and games with friends. That we will stop storing up money for the end of our life. Because this virus has shown us that life can change with one word: positive.

To all the frontline workers, thank you. We would not have made it this far without you.

18 thoughts on “Ponder: Positive

  1. Lynda Hollinger-Janzen on said:

    Dear Cyneatha,
    I’m so sorry to hear of all the COVID suffering in your household and deaths of so many in your family. May God return health and strength to those of you who are ill and comfort you in the loss of so many of your loved ones.
    With love and prayers,

  2. Linda Tyson on said:

    My heart goes out to you My daughter is a nurse serving in a COVID unit of a hospital. She puts her patients on their stomach to help with oxygenation. You and your family are in our prayers. Hold on. God is with you! “O come to us abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel”!

  3. Bonnie Neufeld on said:

    Oh this is so sobering dear friends. We hold you close in our thoughts and prayers. We pray for healing and comfort and easing of anxiety during this scary time. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. Sending love and hugs across the miles, Bonnie

  4. Jan Rheinheimer on said:

    Cyneatha, My candle is lit…May Christ’s light of love, healing, strength and peace embrace and uphold you and your family in this difficult time.

  5. Michele Hershberger on said:

    Oh, my dear friend! Oh Cyneatha I am praying for you and your family. Jesus, mighty healer, touch their bodies and souls with mighty healing power. Strengthen Cyneatha’s hands for she’s doing your work. Bring peace and healing. We pray in the name of Jesus, Amen.

  6. Susan Gingerich on said:

    Cyneatha, I am so sorry to read this post and hear of your and your family’s health challenges. I am adding you all to my prayer list for healing of body and spirit. You have had so many incidents already this year! May you continue to feel hopeful and trust Christ’s love and care for you.

  7. Pat Plude on said:

    Dearest Cyneatha – I am holding you and your family in my heart and prayers. I am praying for swift and full recovery from this devastating virus. I am praying that you may soon be able to take a walk in the cool winter air and not search for air. I am praying that you will be given strength to navigate the darkness and the waiting. Isaiah 40:31 comes to mind:

    But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
    they shall run and not be weary,
    they shall walk and not faint.

    You are not waiting alone. We are waiting with you and praying. We are holding the vision of your family mounting up like eagles, even if you cannot imagine that right now. God bless you and keep you. Pat

  8. Marilyn Rossiter on said:

    Oh, Cyneatha, you are in the valley. I am so sorry to hear this. The positive test result and the two weeks of feeling bad, for all of you, must be so hard! May the powerful and healing power of the Holy Spirit be felt by you even now. May I also say that any of us would be depressed. Breathing… is sort of important!
    We love, love, love you and are praying for you and your dear ones. Keep connected.
    Marilyn from Kidron, Ohio. XXXOOOOO

  9. Marian S Hostetler on said:

    Sorry about that positive result for covid. So far I’ve avoided that but I did receive a positive for cancer back in April. On regular treatment, which is not real terrible. No hair loss, etc. I’m actually on immunotherapy. It is bone cancer. But the loneliness imposed by Covid is one of the problems. Miss my family and friends very much. Covid can’t keep Christmas from happening once again in our hearts. May you be blessed by the HOPE in our hearts for a new day, soon. Peace.

    • Cyneatha Millsaps on said:

      Marian, I just saw your post. Thank you for your prayers for me. I pray you are well. My God continue to be with you as your recover as well. In God’s Healing Arms, Cyneatha

  10. Evelyn Regier on said:

    What helped you get over the virus? I am having backaches and bone aches but tested negative. A Dr told me to take vitamin D, C and zinc . What helped you? I am very glad for your survival. May God protect you and your family…Praise God.

    • Cyneatha Millsaps on said:

      Sorry Evelyn, I just saw your post. I also began taking Vitamin D,C and Zinc. I continue to take a multivitamin. I am feeling much better, but it was a long process. Thanks for your prayers.


    Dear Cyneatha,
    I have saved this, wanting to respond…I so affirm your challenge to connect and not wait for the “occasions”. I have not tested positive, although I continue to work in ICU, and almost exclusively with Covid 19 patients. I have never before felt so inadequate in being unable to help patients, especially as they gasp for air, and are on as much oxygen as we are able to administer without a ventilator, which most do not want. I go home depressed, longing for touch, and having to make myself reach out to communicate and affirm others in order to heal. Thank you for your timely words and insights!!!

    • Cyneatha Millsaps on said:

      My dear Peggy, thank you for responding. I found the suffering unbearable, and yet I knew I was doing better than most. I was thankful for my situation, while feeling bad for others. I pray daily for you all, doctors and nurses, giving so much of yourselves. I pray for your health and wellbeing. Keep looking to the hills from where our help comes from. Know that you have sisters all around you, just reach out and we will be here. God bless you and keep you safe. We need you. Cyneatha

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